how to be a scientist girl
So you want to be like Kitajima when you grow up. Congratulations, this is a worthy life goal (quite unlike the "real college education" your parents keep telling you should come before watching animated breasts jiggle across screens). But becoming a scientist girl isn't as easy as it might seem to the untrained eye. That's why I've composed this handy-dandy guide to turning yourself into a wonderful scientist girl not unlike Kitajima. Behold, a career in science!
01. be a girl
If you aren't a girl already you will have to become one. Don't whine boys, it's well worth it — your great new pins can probably pay off the cost of your surgery. If you are fortunate enough to be a girl already, try to remain as one.
02. have an insanely advanced qualification (at a young age)
Losers like your associate professors at university have wasted years of their lives "learning things" and "advancing knowledge". Scientist girls don't have time for all that. It's a proven fact that women look like shit after the age of thirty (if not by the wonders of nature, then by the sheer joy of botox) so you need to get on the fast track to qualification city. After all, there's no such thing as a slightly-older-than-thirty or somewhat-unattractive scientist girl (unless all forms of media have been lying to us for decades, which is utterly impossible).
An advanced degree can be achieved through the magic of Microsoft Word. Simply format up a new document and write down the qualification you'd like to bestow upon yourself ("ADVANCED DOCTORATE IN MONKEYOLOGY") then it's just a matter of making up a reputable-sounding establishment where you could earn such a degree ("THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN AWESOME"). Print out your fabulous new qualification and start applying for jobs today!
03. get an amazing job
It's a fact: scientist girls get hired. You might be prone to being kidnapped or useless at everything vaguely encompassed by your alleged field of expertise, but labs all over the fictional world need scientist girls to fill their allotment of space for "young, hot scientists". If you show up with a wonderful degree and great cans, chances are you'll be the most popular rat in the lab come noon.
04. bullshit your way through science
You can probably cruise through your fantastic new occupation on your looks and some occasional input on serious issues concerning the lab ("Don't you think our results would be better if our lab animals were cuter?" or "Two soda machines instead of one — the way to scientific success"). Sometimes however, your role will be challenged. If anyone asks questions about a project, suggest that before a public announcement you need to "consult with the alpha numeric sub quantum range of advanced astrotriology" to "confirm statistics". If a person continues to doubt your value after this outburst, they are clearly intelligent, well-rounded individuals. Attempt to get them fired.
05. achieve success (in a stupid field)
Nothing is more incredible than being on the cutting edge of research. Unfortunately, all the good seats there tend to be taken by "qualified" individuals (many of whom are balding). The best way to ensure that your name goes up in lights when a research project reaches fruition? Work in an utterly retarded field with little to no competition. For example:
- ROBOTIC SHOES FOR SPORTY FUTURE MICE! How do we know if we don't try?
- CREATING GEORGE JETSON'S SHIRT! Now that's the damn future!
- CLONING ROCKS! No dude, seriously.
- SPACE DRAGONS! Get on that shit, especially if they're planning to invade.
By specialising in these absurd fields, not only will your competition to the finish line be limited to you (and the janitor you bribe to keep you company during your rock cloning experiments), but you'll also have great stories to tell at parties! Come on, how many other scientists can claim that they've made a SPACE DRAGON into their dirty great bitch? NONE!
06. the future (is in your hands!)
Whether you're using your talents to cure physical deformities (like shaving rash), save priceless artifacts from Nazi poachers (bonus points for nailing Indiana Jones in process) or just plain kicking arse, the career of the scientist girl is always rewarding. So be proud of your assets and go revolutionise the world of alien dragon studies! Or something!